I have been on unemployment now since later September 2009, eight months basically. I have heard it referred to as “funemployment”. I cannot say that I have this same sentiment. I would not call it fun. Do not get me wrong, I am completely and utterly grateful that I have had this source of income. I am also indebted to Obama for doing whatever it is that he did to allow me to get an extension.

This isn’t fun though. Survival yes, fun no.

I am, in no way, getting rich. I am, however, able to pay my mortgage, my utilities, and take care of my basic needs. I mean basic too. I don’t feel like I have enough breathing room to spend money on things like a dentist appointment or an eye exam for instance, even though I am well overdue for both of these. Having the breathing room to pay the basics is good, real good, and I am full aware that my situation is much better than a lot of other people.

The anxiety attached to not knowing what my next source of income will be for sure is a bit too much on any given day. My, as of yet, lack of confidence in my ability to ever have a ‘real’ job again is tricky on any given day too. I wonder if I am crazy thinking I can start and successfully run my own business and make a living doing what I love to do. I wonder if I need to give up, suck it up, and get a job again. As much as I hate working on someone else’s time and only doing things the way they are ‘supposed’ to be done, there is clearly something to be said for a regular pay check. If I am ever legitimately employed again, I will be even more grateful about that privilege.

The Access Works job nearly killed me, physically and emotionally. It continued to be a hurdle until this April when I mailed off the taxes for 2009. In fact, I thought I was done then. I changed my job status on my Facebook page. I changed my outgoing voicemail on my phone. I have felt a great deal of relief in this last month, feeling like I was finally done. I jumped the gun, again. I got a bill in the mail for a late fee, ironically, to the unemployment office. Seriously? If it were a bill for anything else, I would probably ignore it. I am supposed to be done with that job, that hasn’t paid me since last August. But, what happens if it somehow impacts me getting paid unemployment? I need to handle this situation, sooner rather than later. I am counting on the unemployment payments still.

I needed a break. I needed a break from life, from work, from working to save people’s lives. I have over twenty years now, amazing, of seriously difficult jobs that have taken their toll on me. It isn’t exactly like my personal life was free of ‘situations’ to handle either.

Without unemployment, I would have easily used up my savings by now. I am truly grateful. I will maintain faith that I will figure out what is next, that my needs will continue to be met and the answers will come. In the meantime, I am continuing to work on my health and sanity, regaining my confidence one day at a time and making progress…