All posts by Lauri

Family/Friends

Ahhh, Mother’s Day…

I had a difficult time trying to decide on a status update for my Facebook account today. I was tempted to just say ‘happy mother’s day’ or ‘shout out to all of my mama friends’ or something along those lines. I couldn’t do it though. I was way too mindful of the fact that I have a number of friends whose mothers have died. It felt rude, on my part, to proclaim happiness on what is likely a rather painful and sad day. It reminded me of having to be careful about wishing someone Merry Christmas in the event that they may be Jewish or anything but Christian. At the same time, I didn’t really feel like mentioning dead mother’s in my wishes to my friends either.

It would have been easy to proclaim love towards my own mother. She barely does email though and isn’t anywhere near a Facebook page. It would be wasted words. I am so grateful for her presence in my life. There were certainly years that things were not cool, not one bit. There were a number of Mother’s Days that I sat and cried, unwilling to contact her and unable to reconcile our differences. This year, it was easy to pick up the phone and wish her well. I had remembered to send her a card too. I picked it out and mailed it a few days ago. It was a tad bit painful to hang out in Target and scan what felt like thousands of cards. I finally found one that simply had the word ‘love’ on the cover. I do love her. I am grateful for all that she has done for me. I am so happy that I can call her any given day and tell her what is going on and check in on her. It has only been in this last year or so too that I began to think about her dying before me. I have said many times that my best gift for my parents will be to outlive them. Hopefully, I will manage that. Hopefully too, I will have many more years before having that loss.

I need to be clear quickly that I don’t think there is anything wrong with the fact that some of my friends did post ‘happy mother’s day’ on their Facebook wall. I was able to read it and hear their good intentions.

I was just overwhelmed to some degree today with picking up on how the day potentially impacted any given friend of mine. Later on, I felt sad for one friend in particular who posted something along the lines of being willing to give anything if he could hug his mama today. I know of others though that didn’t post anything. I wonder if they had a difficult day.

I feel guilty that I didn’t call Christopher’s mom. It is too late at night now. I did think of her and send my love. I thought of a lot of my friends who are moms. I didn’t end up sending text messages or calling.

I think I was just a bit overwhelmed myself. I am overwhelmed in the good sense with the love I have with my mother and the relationship we have managed to develop. Beyond that though, being aware of the enormous loss that some have had with their mother’s death, and the tumultuous relationships that some of my friends still have with their mothers, it was just too much emotion for me to process today.

Oh, and I suppose the fact that I am involved with a mom now has changed things, enormously. I had already fallen in love with her well before realizing that the fact that she had a teenage daughter meant, in essence, that I am in the position of being a step-mom. And, if I can avoid the bigger topic any longer, can I just say that picking out a card for her was way trickier than I anticipated. I mean, the majority of the mother’s day cards say mom or mother or some variation. Nearly all of the rest say ‘to my wife’. Clearly, none of those would work. You would think that Hallmark or someone would recognize or assume that people just want to send a card to a friend even, if not a same-sex partner for crying out loud. Maybe not. I would have appreciated some more choices.

I don’t know what this whole step-mom title means yet, or is supposed to mean even. I was fortunate enough to have my bio-parents married, to this day still. I have never dated anyone with kids. I didn’t even really have close friends growing up with step-parents. My experience is limited. Once again, life has thrown me a curve ball. Good thing I enjoy a challenge.

Enough rambling… I love my mama and wish her the best every day. I am so very proud and grateful for all of my friends who are mamas and look forward to seeing their kids grow up. I wish for all of my friends who struggle with their relationships with their mamas, that they may feel their mother’s love despite the challenges. I am sending much love to all of my friends who have lost their mothers. Much love to all of my friends who have chosen to not have human children and, instead, treat their furry friends like kings and queens of the house.

Ahhh, mother’s day…

Sex

WTF

05/23/08
I was sitting in my new office later this afternoon. My mobile phone rang. I saw that it was a “restricted” number. Initially, I was concerned that it might be some sort of emergency and someone I cared about was calling from a hospital or something.

I took a deep breathe and answered.

“Hello, this is Lauri, can I help you?” I normally don’t answer like that. Weird.

“Um,yeah, if you hate the transsexuals so much, you should shave your face you stupid fucking bitch!”

Seriously? Who does that? I know third graders more mature than that. I am pretty sure I know who this person was. I am aware of why she is angry with me. But still, be an adult. There is no need to be so hateful and attempt to intimidate me.

Thank God I have dealt with my gender issues to the extent that I have and that I no longer allow such mean spirited comments to impact me the way that they used to. The shock of this phone call and accusation was certainly startling. I forget in my day to day life that the average person doesn’t know how to process ‘me’. They tend to fear me and judge me upon first interaction and, to their detriment, don’t get the opportunity to know me and appreciate having me in their lives.

So I send out some good energy to all the gender bender folks out there who don’t fit the mold we are told to fit and who are subject to hatred, judgment and physical or verbal assaults for just being themselves…

Current stuff, Health

A decade at MAP

I am no longer employed at the Minnesota AIDS Project (MAP).  I started working there in January of 1998, the 12th I believe, and my last date of employment was March 2, 2008.  I know, to some, that is no big deal.  But, to me, it was a fairly big accomplishment.

MAP is an AIDS Service Organization (ASO) for the State of Minnesota, but technically, does work that impacts on a National and, even, World level at times.  Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) is still a disease that impacts all of us and yet is vastly mis-understood by the majority.

Rather than attempting to educate my readers now – I would suggest going to MAP’s website, linked on mine for your convenience.  I will say that HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, is NOT, I repeat, NOT, transmitted through casual contact.  This means of course that you can still hug, kiss, share drinking glasses and utensils, etc. with anyone and not have to be concerned with contracting HIV.  I would also direct you to MAP’s website to get information on how it actually is transmitted and how to protect yourself if engaging in risky behavior.

My head has been swimming for days now with memories of clients, co-workers, others in the field, changes in the disease, and changes in me.  I was blessed with countless co-workers in my time at MAP, each brilliant in playing their part in addressing the needs around HIV.  Many too were instrumental in my growth both professionally and personally.  I am blessed to have made numerous wonderful friends during my time at MAP as well.

I worked really closely with a number of clients in my first position, as an HIV Case Manager, at MAP.  A few of my clients from back then have ended up working at MAP in time.  Those are some special folks who have had a wonderful impact on me over the years.  Some of those clients I continued to have contact with, albeit more indirectly, when I moved into management positions at MAP.  I would see them in the lobby or parking lot.  I would be called to the front desk to assist them.  I supervised their subsequent Case Managers and heard updates on how they were doing, sometimes assisting in how to be most helpful to them.  Probably the most profound client contact was being impacted by some of their deaths.  I had a long period of time when a client of mine died nearly every two months.  The rate slowed down in my time at MAP, both because of the advances in treatment for HIV and because I no longer had my own caseload of new clients when I became a manager.  I was present during death, I attended many wakes and funerals, I was startled to learn after the fact sometimes, I was super close to some of them and barely knew some of them.  Some impacted me more than others to be sure.  But I send a regular prayer out to all of them as they touched my life and who I am today, each and every one of them.

Speaking of changes in the disease… back in the day… before “it” was even called AIDS… folks were dying and dying fast… And then “they” figured out more about the disease and made attempts at a “cure”.  Eventually, more medicines and specific combinations of such drugs, have allowed people who are infected with HIV to live longer, healthier lives.  Simultaneously with better treatment (Western Medicine I am speaking of here); we learned more and more about the prevention of this virus.  The numbers of newly infected individuals has remained fairly steady in Minnesota, rather than rising still, thanks in part to the hard work of MAP employees.  The death rates certainly slowed down at MAP in the decade that I was employed there.  This too is in thanks to the work of MAP employees assisting clients in accessing health care.  MAP rocks.  They work hard and make a serious impact in a number of ways, making the world a better place.  I am honored to have been a part of the MAP legacy.

I was technically hired as a temp employee at MAP.  Within two months I was hired officially.  I would never have imagined then that I would be working there for ten years.  I think I have been “trying” to leave for years now, feeling the stress of the difficult work and the pull of wanting to move forward to bigger challenges.  I could never get myself to agree to leave though, or even look for something else.

Until I woke up one morning having a dream about a new job, a specific job, and going to a training later that very same morning and running in the person’s who’s job I had dreamt about – she had resigned but was at that time still doing it.  I will spare you the time and details in between that dream and the next step now… Now that I have officially left MAP… And prepare to move on to the next agency of adventure and do-gooding…

 

Health

How many decades?

How many decades will I live?  I have now completed three and am beginning my fourth.  For many, many years I would have bet a fair amount of money that I wouldn’t live close to 40 years old.  But, here I am…

Will I only get one more?  What do I want to do with myself if that is the case?

Will I get two or three or more decades still?

 

Health

Balance

Just finishing up a “Balance Weekend” and I have wanted to write about this for a long, long time but never feel like I can do it justice.  I still don’t feel confident in my ability to do this but I figure I will never write anything if I don’t just write something.  So, I just added a link to a website about the process known as a “Balance” and would urge you to read the site.

Dr. Margaret Hansen has become a dear, dear friend of mine over the years.  She has also been one of my saviors more than once.  I have lost track of how many times I have had a Balance session but each and every experience has taken me to a newer and better level in my life.  And any goal that I have worked through and issue I have tackled has remained such, there has not been any back-tracking on anything I have worked on with Margaret.

Despite her modesty, I do believe she is able to facilitate “miracles” on some level.  She is able to utilize her skills, knowledge, and compassion to help folks from all walks of life figure out what the next step is, what to let go of, what to strive for and how to further live to their fullest potential.

I met her in the early 90’s when she came to the Women’s Resource and Action Center in Iowa City, Iowa where I was doing an internship for my graduate degree.  She spent a couple of hours with myself and the entire staff and did this process with us that transformed an already functional group into an amazingly smooth, productive, and supportive work environment.

Eventually, I called upon her for a Balance for myself and over the years have had Balance sessions with partners as well.  The work that I did with her years ago allowed me to heal on countless levels.  The work that I have done with her in the last few years has supported me in growing and maturing on levels I would never have imagined.

She is working hard to set up places across the country where she can do this work.  This past weekend she stayed here and did about three to four sessions a day.  She worked really hard.  She helped a number of people.  She will be back.  I have made a number of referrals over the years, having to convince my friends to trust me that it was worth the money despite my inability to describe the experience all that well.  I have never had a disappointed referral.  Everyone who has been brave enough to try it out has been a satisfied customer.

Check out her website and drop her a line if you are interested.  Write up a comment for my website if you have had a Balance and something to say about it.  Email me if you have questions or are interested in a session.

I like to describe her work as “10 years of therapy in a couple of hours”.

It truly is amazing…

Health

Hail Mary (tattoo)

Why am I writing about a Catholic prayer you ask?

Why in the health category?

Spiritual health for sure…  But it goes beyond that…  And through that…  And is that…

Why the Hail Mary?

Do I consider myself a practicing Catholic?  Well, sort of… and sort of not…

I am more than a “C & E Catholic”, if you know what I mean.  There are a number of aspects of Catholicism that I can appreciate on many levels.

That being said, the Church not allowing women to be priests and preaching that “the gays” are going to burn in hell put a real damper on buying in to the whole thing over time.  I admit that more than that has stopped me over the years from devoting myself completely to the religion.

But I do attend Mass fairly regularly again, since January of this year.  Granted, I found a Catholic Church that is really open and honest about accepting all people, not judging others and accepting everyone where they are at.  I love it that I can still have some of the ritual of prayer and Sacraments, the community of familiar faces meeting regularly, the singing… and that I can feel accepted there…

But whether I am a “practicing Catholic” or not… a “devoted Catholic” or not… I love the Hail Mary prayer.  Despite the fact that it is a prayer that I was “forced” to say on numerous occasions growing up, it has always been a prayer I default to in times of stress, fear etc – whether I was at the time involved in the church or in love with the church or in hate with the church – the Hail Mary prayer has always brought a sense of safety and healing my way.  I have already written about this prayer once on this website.  It is called “non-winning essay (What Would…)” and is in the Wollner’s Writing category.

More recently though… I have added another layer, so to speak, to my fondness of this prayer…

I think the idea of having the prayer tattooed on my body somewhere popped into my head years ago actually.  It was earlier this year that I decided it really needed to happen.  It was a few months ago when I ran into my tattoo artist at the local co-op. She suggested I get it in my mother’s handwriting.  Brilliant.  I had been playing around with different font ideas and was unable to make up my mind and “know” what was going to be best.  Until that moment.

And so, the plan was set…  I saw my mother soon after that at a family reunion in July.  Bare in mind that I have never been “out” about having tattoos to my parents.  I have worn long sleeves around them for years now.  I have not noticed tattoos on my relatives prior to this event and took advantage of the fact that one of my uncles walked by and was sportin’ some ink on his ankle area.  I asked my mother about it and took the opportunity to bring up my idea.

“I want to get a tattoo and I need your help.”

There was a pause.  And then “What do you mean?  Do you need me to help you decide what?”

“No, I want to tattoo the Hail Mary on my arm and I want it to be in your handwriting.”

She agreed.  She started to write it out that day but we decided it best to look it up and make sure we had it “official”.  My parents visited me for a weekend and my mother brought a prayer book and wrote out the prayer in two different paragraph forms (not knowing which way would fit best on my arm).  I was thrilled.

I got the actual tattoo on September 15th.  It is on the inside of my left arm.  It was sharper and more painful than other tattoos of mine.  I imagine that this is true not only to the more sensitive area on my body physically, but also, the intensity and history behind the prayer and its meaning in my life.

I am looking forward to my mother seeing it.  It is a wonderful calming, healing reminder to me on a daily basis to breathe and be quiet, ask for help, and trust that I am not alone.  And, it is simply fascinating to recognize my mother’s handwriting – right there on my body…

 

Family/Friends

My babiest brother is 30!

I just talked to my youngest brother.  He is 30 years old today!  I know he is an adult now, a fine man at that.  But he is still my “babiest” brother on some level.  Whenever I am around him or talking to him, I am filled with the feelings and memories of how excited I was at the ripe old age of ten when he came into my life.  I cherish my connection with him and am so proud of him…

Family/Friends

Horse play…

I have a horse now.  He is about 14 years old.  I have named him Sweet Potato and will sometimes call him Yam for short.  I have only known him for a week but in that short amount of time have become quite fond of him and am looking forward to getting to know him better and learning how to ride him and take care of him.  He is currently staying in a stall until he gains some weight and his wounds heal (he had been neglected for the past few years) at which point he can join the herd and be allowed to roam outside at times.

He is smaller than the other horses I have been spending time with and periodically riding.  He had belonged, at one point, to kids who showed him in 4-H events and been ridden Western style.  This means he will be easier for me to ride until I can become better skilled at the art and sport of horseback riding.

I really can’t even say how excited and grateful I am at this opportunity.  I know that the physical act of riding a horse will allow me to further strengthen my core muscles and therefore help my back continue to heal and become stronger.  In addition though, he and the other horses out at the stables where he resides are all wonderful for my emotional and spiritual health as well.  I love being out in the country, seeing the sky so clearly, and the work of doing chores.  I love figuring out the non-verbal forms of communication amongst the herd and us visiting humans… the great deal of respect and love they show for one another…

I have had the opportunity to do some energy work on some of the horses too.  It has become quite mutual, the healing that occurs when I am around them.  And the laughter…

I loved to ride horses when I was much younger.  I am really grateful and it is really fun to have ‘horse play’ back in my life…

Family/Friends

3 Cats…

Just so everyone knows, Bubba and Mr. Whiskers moved with me.  Bubba is now 15 years old!  It is amazing to me to think that he has been in my life that long.  He survived the loss of three siblings in a short amount of time but Mr. Whiskers coming into his life allowed him to re-gain some energy and take over as alpha for the first time.  The two of them adjusted well to the new house and appreciate the fact that they have a great number of windows with spots to sit and look out at all of the squirrels etc. around the house.  They do not appreciate the stray cat in the neighborhood so much but I believe they have now hissed at him enough through the windows that he is leaving them alone now.  The two of them were essential in my earlier phases of grief at the beginning of the year.

They have welcomed another cat into our lives.  She is young, less than a year old, and her original owner had to move out of State and was planning on taking her to the shelter.  Bubba and Mr. Whiskers graciously agreed to be a foster home for her instead.  And, we all fell in love with her right away.  She is orange, a darker shade than Bubba, and has more white than he does as well.  She runs, a lot, and plays, a lot, and is pretty much on the move all of the time.  Occasionally the boys will wrestle with her but, for the most part, we all sit back and watch her entertain us…

Her original name was Chloe but we have just been calling her the ‘baby girl’ or ‘baby kitty’ for now.  Considering other names or whether she really wants to be called Chloe…

Current stuff

Still alive…

Well, I am still alive… Haven’t had internet access at home until now and it has been a busy year.  I moved in April.  Bought a new house and have been busy trying to unpack and organize and figure out what all needs to be done before winter.  I recently had all but two windows replaced so that felt like a seriously grown-up accomplishment.  I have been busy learning how to grocery shop and cook for myself.  I am open to any recipes…  My family has been extremely supportive through the life changes of this year and I am grateful for all of my friends as well who have been there for me.  Perhaps I can get back on track with my writing and this website now that I seem to be moving beyond survival mode and more into routine and successful growth again…