Category Archives: Health

Updates on health related issues and thoughts on health care and healing.

Health

The White Stuff

It really bums me out that I haven’t bothered to post anything since before the snow flew. And, here it is melting today, when I finally get around to addressing it. It’s not like winter is over though, not by a long shot I suppose. It is still February, in Minnesota for God’s sake. It certainly isn’t over.

One year, it snowed almost every day in March. That will likely make me cry if it happens again this year. My snow-shoveling muscles are tired and sore.

This was a tough one. Beautiful mostly. I mean, we didn’t really have that gross, dirty look much since it kept snowing, and snowing, and snowing this winter. The white stuff covered most everything more often than not, since November. November 13th to be exact. My parents drove up in a snow storm to visit me. We ended up with eleven inches of snow that day. It made the task of parking my camper extra challenging…

It was shocking, to say the least, to have that much snow so soon. It didn’t melt either. The temperatures started to drop and remain low, pretty much for the duration. We kept getting more snow. I think that following weekend, we had another snow storm adding 6-7 inches.

The news about the 12/11/10 Blizzard (that’s what I am calling it) spread all over the place. It started on Friday night, the 10th, and was still snowing into Sunday the 12th. But Saturday is what I remember most. I believe that twenty inches was the final toll by the end of that one storm. Twenty inches. Give or take, still, that is a fuck of a lot of snow. Seriously. Blinding snow everywhere. It shut the city down. And this city knows how to handle snow storms and blizzards. Not this one though. Bare in mind, that twenty inches was on top of an already ungodly amount for that time of year. The metrodome collapsed, trains and busses were stopped, firetrucks and ambulances weren’t able to get where they needed to go.

We have pretty much been buried in it since then.

More snow many more times coupled with well below freezing and oftentimes below zero temperatures, we have been buried in it.

Ever since the big blizzard, whenever it snows, I have to lift the shovel up, carry it, and throw the load of snow up over my head. There has not been anywhere else to put it, since November. The snow banks at one point were above the roof of my car. They were up to my shoulder. During the thick of it, it reminded me of being in a corn field – not being able to see anything but the path ahead of you.

We have been buried in it this year. White stuff everywhere.

Until this week. The temperatures have finally risen enough, for enough days in a row, that the snow is and has been melting, for days now. And, the crazy thing? There is still a ton of it! It is still tricky to see around most intersections, from the piled up “snow-crete” along the roads. I heard on the news yesterday or the day before that at least five inches had melted. I imagine that has doubled by now. We will survive this winter.

I know, I know, it isn’t spring yet, officially or unofficially. The temperatures will drop again here and there. It will snow again, likely more than once. But we are on the downhill slide. In fact, it is a bit of a slippery slope right now… I need to remind myself to walk and drive more carefully than ever. Spring is slippery. I need to remind myself that it is still winter. Who knows? Maybe I can even enjoy it now.

As long as it stays above zero… I can handle the white stuff in February 😉

Time to get outside for a real walk…

Current stuff, Health

Autumn

Change of seasons sucks. I mean, OK, I admit that I love living where we get a change of seasons. I think it would be odd in some way, and certainly a major adjustment for me given I have lived this entire life in the Mid-West, to live somewhere that the weather is the same-ish year round. But, appreciating having different seasons isn’t the same as enjoying the actual change of said seasons.

I love summer. It is my favorite season, hands down, my entire life. I don’t mind the heat. I don’t mind anything in the summer. I can hardly think about the “w” season without a panic attack. Spring is easy enough – surviving the “w” season and having summer on its way. I can do that.

Autumn though, it’s a tricky one for me. I struggle with knowing what is coming next and all of the fear and panic that comes along with knowing in my core that “w” is again coming. I struggle with letting go of my summer. I struggle.

Not unlike other events or issues in my life – writing about it, mindfulness, and gratitude are of the utmost help in dealing with the change of seasons in general, and in particular dealing with the two trickier ones for me.

I have been gently reminding myself (and sometimes those around me) since mid-August to appreciate every moment of summer. The surprise factor is what can fuck me up the most. It is difficult for me to now imagine that there were many years in my life that I was so busy and so not paying attention to things beyond whatever job/relationship/crisis that I was in at the time – that I didn’t notice the change of season happening until it was all up on us. Paying attention and mindfully noticing the subtle changes on a day to day basis makes the change of season oh so much easier to accept. Walking outside into frigid air and seeing your breathe, still wearing shorts and not expecting it – not fun. Paying attention to the weather and what is happening to the earth around me – much easier to take. It, the change of seasons, really does happen gradually. It just seems to come on fast when not paying attention.

Hence, I am mindful of it all happening. Every day at some point, I stopped to appreciate yet another summer day or night. Every day I expressed gratitude and love for summer. Not unlike having the opportunity to gradually accept the death of a loved one from a long-term illness (versus a tragic accident or something crazy that takes someone out immediately), being present, mindful, and grateful of a summer day helps me in eventually letting go of it as it passes.

It is technically official now, the summer of 2010 is done. The recent autumnal equinox is indeed my marker of acceptance into autumn.

It is time now to accept autumn, figure out how to appreciate as much as possible of it, and somehow gently allow the idea of the next season to begin to be known. There have already been moments of jarring reminders. Sitting around a fire pit this past weekend, someone talked about how much they loved autumn. Someone else mentioned the “w” season immediately and was even bold enough to through in the four-letter word (in my world) “snow”. I was not the only one that was a bit shocked at the mention of the white stuff.

My mindfulness that autumn was coming has helped me maintain sanity and keep the moments of panic in their place.

And here it is… and it is time to truly accept and embrace this season. When I think about the things I really dislike about autumn, I acknowledge them and move on. I shift my focus onto what I do indeed appreciate. I don’t want to sound all Pollyanna here. I don’t feel like I can explain this without sounding that way though. I just shift my focus.

Last night, a friend and her two dogs joined me and Sofia Lolita on our walk. I don’t remember what she said exactly, but it had the tone of annoyance at the very least about the season change. It had something to do with feeling sad that summer was over. I told her that summer is my favorite season and that I was bummed too but that my survival technique was to focus on what I like about autumn. I started mentioning things I appreciate…

I like wearing ‘cords’ for instance, and sweatshirts are fun. I do love watching the leaves change color. The bugs are all going away and are much less annoying. My friend added some of the things she appreciates about autumn as well. We could have continued on our walk, swearing and complaining about losing summer. Instead, we both moved in to acceptance and gratitude. Seriously, a much better head space. It was a lovely walk.

So, here I sit, noticing the leaves outside of my window, some still green and fully alive. The rest turning shades of orange, yellow, and red. I can feel the heat coming through my window from the mid-day sunshine today, and yet, need to wear a sweatshirt inside of my house. I picked out my favorite one for today. And, I do appreciate that I can walk my little dog in the afternoon without worrying about her being too hot.

I probably should have started this, or at least mentioned it earlier somewhere, but one of the things I like to do is call this season autumn, instead of fall. I have far too many sad memories of previous falls in my life. Changing what I call it on a regular basis has also made this season more appealing. Something about autumn seems fancy or serious or something.

Here’s to a safe, productive, and joyful autumn…

Current stuff, Health

A decade at MAP

I am no longer employed at the Minnesota AIDS Project (MAP).  I started working there in January of 1998, the 12th I believe, and my last date of employment was March 2, 2008.  I know, to some, that is no big deal.  But, to me, it was a fairly big accomplishment.

MAP is an AIDS Service Organization (ASO) for the State of Minnesota, but technically, does work that impacts on a National and, even, World level at times.  Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) is still a disease that impacts all of us and yet is vastly mis-understood by the majority.

Rather than attempting to educate my readers now – I would suggest going to MAP’s website, linked on mine for your convenience.  I will say that HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, is NOT, I repeat, NOT, transmitted through casual contact.  This means of course that you can still hug, kiss, share drinking glasses and utensils, etc. with anyone and not have to be concerned with contracting HIV.  I would also direct you to MAP’s website to get information on how it actually is transmitted and how to protect yourself if engaging in risky behavior.

My head has been swimming for days now with memories of clients, co-workers, others in the field, changes in the disease, and changes in me.  I was blessed with countless co-workers in my time at MAP, each brilliant in playing their part in addressing the needs around HIV.  Many too were instrumental in my growth both professionally and personally.  I am blessed to have made numerous wonderful friends during my time at MAP as well.

I worked really closely with a number of clients in my first position, as an HIV Case Manager, at MAP.  A few of my clients from back then have ended up working at MAP in time.  Those are some special folks who have had a wonderful impact on me over the years.  Some of those clients I continued to have contact with, albeit more indirectly, when I moved into management positions at MAP.  I would see them in the lobby or parking lot.  I would be called to the front desk to assist them.  I supervised their subsequent Case Managers and heard updates on how they were doing, sometimes assisting in how to be most helpful to them.  Probably the most profound client contact was being impacted by some of their deaths.  I had a long period of time when a client of mine died nearly every two months.  The rate slowed down in my time at MAP, both because of the advances in treatment for HIV and because I no longer had my own caseload of new clients when I became a manager.  I was present during death, I attended many wakes and funerals, I was startled to learn after the fact sometimes, I was super close to some of them and barely knew some of them.  Some impacted me more than others to be sure.  But I send a regular prayer out to all of them as they touched my life and who I am today, each and every one of them.

Speaking of changes in the disease… back in the day… before “it” was even called AIDS… folks were dying and dying fast… And then “they” figured out more about the disease and made attempts at a “cure”.  Eventually, more medicines and specific combinations of such drugs, have allowed people who are infected with HIV to live longer, healthier lives.  Simultaneously with better treatment (Western Medicine I am speaking of here); we learned more and more about the prevention of this virus.  The numbers of newly infected individuals has remained fairly steady in Minnesota, rather than rising still, thanks in part to the hard work of MAP employees.  The death rates certainly slowed down at MAP in the decade that I was employed there.  This too is in thanks to the work of MAP employees assisting clients in accessing health care.  MAP rocks.  They work hard and make a serious impact in a number of ways, making the world a better place.  I am honored to have been a part of the MAP legacy.

I was technically hired as a temp employee at MAP.  Within two months I was hired officially.  I would never have imagined then that I would be working there for ten years.  I think I have been “trying” to leave for years now, feeling the stress of the difficult work and the pull of wanting to move forward to bigger challenges.  I could never get myself to agree to leave though, or even look for something else.

Until I woke up one morning having a dream about a new job, a specific job, and going to a training later that very same morning and running in the person’s who’s job I had dreamt about – she had resigned but was at that time still doing it.  I will spare you the time and details in between that dream and the next step now… Now that I have officially left MAP… And prepare to move on to the next agency of adventure and do-gooding…

 

Health

How many decades?

How many decades will I live?  I have now completed three and am beginning my fourth.  For many, many years I would have bet a fair amount of money that I wouldn’t live close to 40 years old.  But, here I am…

Will I only get one more?  What do I want to do with myself if that is the case?

Will I get two or three or more decades still?

 

Health

Balance

Just finishing up a “Balance Weekend” and I have wanted to write about this for a long, long time but never feel like I can do it justice.  I still don’t feel confident in my ability to do this but I figure I will never write anything if I don’t just write something.  So, I just added a link to a website about the process known as a “Balance” and would urge you to read the site.

Dr. Margaret Hansen has become a dear, dear friend of mine over the years.  She has also been one of my saviors more than once.  I have lost track of how many times I have had a Balance session but each and every experience has taken me to a newer and better level in my life.  And any goal that I have worked through and issue I have tackled has remained such, there has not been any back-tracking on anything I have worked on with Margaret.

Despite her modesty, I do believe she is able to facilitate “miracles” on some level.  She is able to utilize her skills, knowledge, and compassion to help folks from all walks of life figure out what the next step is, what to let go of, what to strive for and how to further live to their fullest potential.

I met her in the early 90’s when she came to the Women’s Resource and Action Center in Iowa City, Iowa where I was doing an internship for my graduate degree.  She spent a couple of hours with myself and the entire staff and did this process with us that transformed an already functional group into an amazingly smooth, productive, and supportive work environment.

Eventually, I called upon her for a Balance for myself and over the years have had Balance sessions with partners as well.  The work that I did with her years ago allowed me to heal on countless levels.  The work that I have done with her in the last few years has supported me in growing and maturing on levels I would never have imagined.

She is working hard to set up places across the country where she can do this work.  This past weekend she stayed here and did about three to four sessions a day.  She worked really hard.  She helped a number of people.  She will be back.  I have made a number of referrals over the years, having to convince my friends to trust me that it was worth the money despite my inability to describe the experience all that well.  I have never had a disappointed referral.  Everyone who has been brave enough to try it out has been a satisfied customer.

Check out her website and drop her a line if you are interested.  Write up a comment for my website if you have had a Balance and something to say about it.  Email me if you have questions or are interested in a session.

I like to describe her work as “10 years of therapy in a couple of hours”.

It truly is amazing…

Health

Hail Mary (tattoo)

Why am I writing about a Catholic prayer you ask?

Why in the health category?

Spiritual health for sure…  But it goes beyond that…  And through that…  And is that…

Why the Hail Mary?

Do I consider myself a practicing Catholic?  Well, sort of… and sort of not…

I am more than a “C & E Catholic”, if you know what I mean.  There are a number of aspects of Catholicism that I can appreciate on many levels.

That being said, the Church not allowing women to be priests and preaching that “the gays” are going to burn in hell put a real damper on buying in to the whole thing over time.  I admit that more than that has stopped me over the years from devoting myself completely to the religion.

But I do attend Mass fairly regularly again, since January of this year.  Granted, I found a Catholic Church that is really open and honest about accepting all people, not judging others and accepting everyone where they are at.  I love it that I can still have some of the ritual of prayer and Sacraments, the community of familiar faces meeting regularly, the singing… and that I can feel accepted there…

But whether I am a “practicing Catholic” or not… a “devoted Catholic” or not… I love the Hail Mary prayer.  Despite the fact that it is a prayer that I was “forced” to say on numerous occasions growing up, it has always been a prayer I default to in times of stress, fear etc – whether I was at the time involved in the church or in love with the church or in hate with the church – the Hail Mary prayer has always brought a sense of safety and healing my way.  I have already written about this prayer once on this website.  It is called “non-winning essay (What Would…)” and is in the Wollner’s Writing category.

More recently though… I have added another layer, so to speak, to my fondness of this prayer…

I think the idea of having the prayer tattooed on my body somewhere popped into my head years ago actually.  It was earlier this year that I decided it really needed to happen.  It was a few months ago when I ran into my tattoo artist at the local co-op. She suggested I get it in my mother’s handwriting.  Brilliant.  I had been playing around with different font ideas and was unable to make up my mind and “know” what was going to be best.  Until that moment.

And so, the plan was set…  I saw my mother soon after that at a family reunion in July.  Bare in mind that I have never been “out” about having tattoos to my parents.  I have worn long sleeves around them for years now.  I have not noticed tattoos on my relatives prior to this event and took advantage of the fact that one of my uncles walked by and was sportin’ some ink on his ankle area.  I asked my mother about it and took the opportunity to bring up my idea.

“I want to get a tattoo and I need your help.”

There was a pause.  And then “What do you mean?  Do you need me to help you decide what?”

“No, I want to tattoo the Hail Mary on my arm and I want it to be in your handwriting.”

She agreed.  She started to write it out that day but we decided it best to look it up and make sure we had it “official”.  My parents visited me for a weekend and my mother brought a prayer book and wrote out the prayer in two different paragraph forms (not knowing which way would fit best on my arm).  I was thrilled.

I got the actual tattoo on September 15th.  It is on the inside of my left arm.  It was sharper and more painful than other tattoos of mine.  I imagine that this is true not only to the more sensitive area on my body physically, but also, the intensity and history behind the prayer and its meaning in my life.

I am looking forward to my mother seeing it.  It is a wonderful calming, healing reminder to me on a daily basis to breathe and be quiet, ask for help, and trust that I am not alone.  And, it is simply fascinating to recognize my mother’s handwriting – right there on my body…

 

Health

Lost my doctor on 10/10/06

Can you stand it?  The new doctor I met on June 5th was excellent.  I have already written about how much I was able to trust her.  I had been more mindfully dealing with a number of medical issues ever since I met her.  And now she is gone.

I found out on October 10th that she was no longer at the clinic where I saw her.  I had been in for a biopsy in August as well as another discussion about my thyroid.  I reported to her then that I had done some alternative health care (Balance) on my thyroid issues and that I wanted to wait a couple of months and do the blood work again.  At that point, if my numbers were worse I would probably start the medications.  If my numbers were better though I would teach her about what I had done and how it worked.  The plan was for me to call and ask for her and she would order the blood work.  We would discuss the results of the biopsy as well. 

So I was shocked when I called the clinic and was informed that she was no longer at that clinic.  I tried to explain what I needed to the nurse.  She said that it was clear that I needed thyroid medications and that there was no need for further blood work.  There was no way I was going to get her to listen to me.  I was sad and frustrated by then.  I asked her if they found out anything from the biopsy.  After reading through my file for a bit she finally said “I am going to have to have another doctor look at this.  There is some pathology that I don’t understand.”  Nice.  Way to freak me out.  She wanted me to stay on the line while she transferred me to the scheduling desk so I could come in and get a prescription for the medication.  I hung up.  The lack of customer service skills and any ability to listen to me were truly amazing.

I feel like I am back to square one again now.  I have done some research and found out where the doctor moved to.  If I try to continue to work with her it would mean a further commute and that I would have to pay more out of pocket for my co-pay etc.  The thought of returning to the clinic and having a potentially horrible experience with another new doctor though is way too overwhelming.

I did, by the way, get a call back from the nurse the next day letting me know everything was non-cancerous.  She wasn’t able to offer any more information of course. 

Health

Trick or Treat?

Last year, I was propped up on a chair on the porch with a bag of candy on my lap and a walker in front of me, sort of like a shield.  I was in a great deal of pain – despite the muscle relaxants and pain medication that I finally agreed to take.  I wonder now if the kids coming for candy thought I was in some weird costume or something.

Let’s just keep it simple for now and say that I have had a “bad back” for a long time.  Four days prior to Halloween in 2005 took it to a whole different level though.  I had been used to rather constant pain for years.  I had known, if you will, what it was like to have muscles spasm.  That particular morning though, when my back seized up so abruptly that I hit the floor face first, I thought I was going to die.  The pain was so excruciating I cannot even really describe it.  I was paralyzed, for the most part, on the bathroom floor.  I will spare you the details of how long it took and how messed up it was to crawl (sort of) and maneuver myself to a phone.

In fact, I am not sure that I am even ready to go back and read journal entries from this event.  I certainly am not motivated to remember it all right now.

I can give you a few highlights… about how my friend Christopher came over and helped me get dressed; and my chiropractor and acupuncture person both came to my house and worked on me; about how I was unable to walk on my own for days; about how Trudy had to set an alarm for every 2-3 hours throughout the nights to wake me up and literally flip my body over so that I wouldn’t cramp up (more) being in the same position too long; or how she had to help me do any and all self-care for those first few days.  I could share that my friend Boyer brought me the walker – which I was strong enough to use by Halloween day – to get from the “Recovery Room” to the porch to hand out candy.

I made incremental improvement each day and was able to graduate to the cane instead of the walker by that next week.  Even though I am not truly prepared to go back to that time and share more details, what amazes me and made me want to acknowledge this time frame is that I honestly did not know a year ago if I would ever be able to walk again.  I was terrified that I was officially ‘broken’ enough that my body was done.

I am not up for sharing all of the details of the recovery work in the last year.

I will share with you that I am so grateful for the people that helped along the way.  My amazement never ceases at what love and faith can do for a person.

I am free of the need for the support of the cane for months now.  I go for a walk nearly every day – partially because I know it is key to relieving my pain, stretching my muscles out, and building back strength.  But mostly I walk now – because I can.

This year for Halloween, when the kids showed up for candy, I could actually stand up and greet them. 

I am grateful for this anniversary of sorts.  And grateful for everyone who has had a part in the process of getting my back – back on track…

Health

Thyroid

I went to a Western medicine doctor today – not something I do often.  I have already heard the news that my thyroid is underactive.  I heard it about three years ago.  It has been suggested prior to today that I begin on medication, in fact, previous doctors have insisted that I begin medications.  I have loads of excuses and some good reasons not to.  Today however, I had a wonderful experience with a doctor who listened to me and my concerns.  A doctor who did not simply insist that I start medications but actually encouraged me to take my time in researching and deciding what I will do about this.  Her lack of pressure and respect for my anxiety around this was most helpful.  The fact that my “numbers” around this have gotten considerably more abnormal in three years time frame makes me take it all more serious as well.  I am not sure yet what I will do but I am certainly grateful for this doctor and know that I am not afraid to follow up with her on this and other issues that have been too frightening to deal with for far too long.